This has been a difficult week, hence the fact that I didn’t manage to blog this past weekend. I’m trying to recall what it was like to have nothing running through my head and to be able to sleep. Maybe I spend too much time alone. I don’t know. I have tried everything natural and unnatural but nothing seems to help. I know it is anxiety but I need it to stop. I’m exhausted all of the time, but can’t seem to relax.
So I have begun a 30-day challenge to try to rid myself of excess weight gained while travelling, cut back on sugar (I’m also a sugar fiend) and perhaps begin feeling healthy. Maybe it will help me with my sleep issues. It’s not that I’m obese, but I have an anorexic brain, have had since my early twenties. It didn’t help that when I first met Greg, his partners in crime (literally!) all had incredibly beautiful girlfriends and that he suggested that I “firm up”. So I did. I began lifting weights and it truly did make a difference, but once I had it in my head that I wasn’t good enough, it stuck. And even after having given birth to seven children (the first child I gave up at birth) and having two miscarriages, I managed to keep my weight fairly even. But, as a woman ages, things get a little slack. I developed a slight tummy bulge in my late forties, which Greg would grab and make comments about. I know there are strong women out there who wouldn’t let something as trivial as that affect them, but I’m not one of them. And, if you check out all of the weight loss programs available, you will realise that there are millions of women who feel insecure about themselves. I have done many cleanses, but it really takes not going back to the same old thing for those to have any benefit.
Anyway, part of this challenge is meditation. I have neglected that part until today. The meditations are combined with affirmations we are supposed to speak to ourselves. Listening to the words, “I am thankful for myself” and “I am okay the way I am” actually brought me to tears. I couldn’t continue. I’m not thankful for myself and I’m not okay the way I am. I then realized that I do not value myself. I’m not sure I ever have. I have always valued myself as a mother, but never as a person. Without my family, I feel totally useless. That part of my life is over. I may have valued myself as a wife if I had been given the chance, but we all know what an utter failure I was in that department. That is the reason for my solitary life now.
A friend told me that people who suffer from depression are people who live in the past and people who suffer from anxiety live in the future. I think there is a lot of truth in that. Unfortunately, it is difficult to just flip that switch and begin living for today. And, to be honest, I really don’t have much going on in my life at present that encourages me. I am not an optimist, nor a pessimist. I am a realist. And sometimes reality is a hard pill to swallow. I want to value myself, I sincerely do, but I can’t think of one thing I am good for. I do value who I am, but I can’t value my place in society. I spend so much time trying to figure out how I am going to support myself for the rest of my life and come up empty. All I can get are menial jobs, but I am not physically strong enough to take any of those on full-time. Sometimes I just want to scream. Crying gets rid of a bit of my frustration, but I always come back to the same thing. What am I going to do? I’m in a serious rut. Where did my faith go?
And you know what? I have so much to be grateful for. I have a cosy little apartment, an adorable little boy to take care of and children who do me proud. I’m going to Costa Rica in a month and Bali in January. What is wrong with me?
I like to throw all the blame for my misery on Greg. It’s easy to do. It seems I have never taken responsibility for my own happiness. How do I do that?
I am concerned for Nerah. Will I cause her to go into depression as well? I loathe living with myself, I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone else. Of course, I would put my mask on for others. I can’t seem to summon it up for Nerah.
Lord, I need to go for a walk. Sorry, folks, this is how I am when I stop moving. I wanted to get all of this negativity and grief out, but it’s no fun when it comes to the surface. As a wise man once said, “Birth is messy”. When a person goes through radical change, the person who emerges is one who is reborn. The struggle through the mire isn’t pretty but it is definitely worth it. I have risen from the gutter before. Somewhere along the way, I’m going to find some sense of peace and belonging.