Well, after my last blog post you may be wondering if I’m still here! I am. And I am gradually cleaning up the mess I created when I fell into the gutter.
The journey back from the depths of despair is not an easy one, but, as most of us have been there, it is possible. It requires a lot of hard work and determination. I know I cannot stay in this place.
I want to thank those who reached out to me after my post, Hope, Lisa, Naomi and Allan. I do appreciate your hearts. I would absolutely want to help someone as pathetic as me if I had read that. I have been here before and will probably be here again. The thing is, I don’t generally spill my guts out in normal conversation. And I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends how desperate I feel in person because I know I would collapse in tears and probably not even get the words out in between sobs. I do it here because this is part of my journey. It can’t be all mountaintop experiences. The future holds some astonishing events. I believe that. I may not love myself, but that won’t hinder wonderful things from coming my way.
Who doesn’t have unresolved issues? Does anyone sail through life? This is the testing ground. As difficult as it is, ultimately it is up to the individual to overcome. I want to be honest here by sharing the ups and the downs. The downs are a bit more prevalent right now, but the ups are just around the corner. I have lived with mental illness all of my life, in one way or another, whether it was my mother, my husband, or myself. We are very well acquainted. I truly believe that most of us suffer through these moments, but never articulate them because of shame. Nobody really wants others to see them come apart at the seams. Hence the need for counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists. After all, who, besides counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists, would want to listen. Not only is it painful to confess, but is extremely disconcerting to have to listen to someone speak their pain.
I have been directed to an author by the name of Brené Brown several times in the past year, by my daughter, Bethany, my son, Matthew and, most recently, by my friend, Lisa. This lady is a research professor at the University of Houston and is a Graduate of Social Work. She has written several books, primarily on shame. I appreciate what she has to say because she is not afraid to share her own imperfections and weaknesses. It is through listening to people like her that maybe we can finally show our true selves and stop with the false happiness. I’m not against being happy! Good grief, I could use a bit right now. But I really believe the more we present our perfect selves to the world, the more we suffer in silence. Nobody’s life is perfect.
I have been following the meditation program that I couldn’t get through a few days ago. I cannot yet speak the words of affirmation, but I can now listen and get through the whole session. Baby steps. In times past, when I could no longer go on, all I could do was look up. I am reaching for the heavens. There is a saying that goes like this, “God helps those who help themselves”. Sometimes He does and sometimes we just can’t pick ourselves up, so then He needs to step in. He has been there for me through both events. Everything in its time.
So, whether I’m bawling my eyes out, nose running, and looking like my world has just ended or I’m walking around with a smile on my face, all is well.
I no longer am an Amazon affiliate due to my lack of sales, but that won’t stop me from encouraging you to read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. Or listen to one of her TED Talks.