I had this vision the other day of God observing me, like a parent observing a child, and thinking, “There she goes again, having a little tantrum because things aren’t going her way.”
Yup, that’s me, screaming away, stamping my feet, because things aren’t falling into my lap and I might just have to work at getting my life on back on track. Anything worth having requires work. I know that. I have worked hard all of my life until now. I just have to believe that I am worth the effort.
I have absolutely no problem doing things for others. That is how I have lived my life. I’m not trying to sound like a martyr, I’m definitely not that, but I have worked for my family, and that always gave me such joy. I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was created to do. When I cared for my family I was caring for my own soul. Now I am left with me and I just don’t care that much about me……..except for when I do. Then I start dragging up all my faults, weaknesses and disappointments. My question is this:
What does a mother do with no children to care for and what does a wife do with no husband? I once had this idea that, in my later years, I would be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labour. I’m still floundering, racking my brain to find a way to survive the next thirty years of my life, should I live that long.
I am exhausted. I don’t sleep well. Regardless, I just have to get things together. I did actually consider becoming a nun because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Go ahead, laugh. I do have some pretty crazy ideas at times.
I have a growing respect for those who live alone. Frankly, I don’t know how you do it. Coming home to where my brain is on a rollercoaster, the drop of doom and dodgem cars all at the same time doesn’t make for a tranquil existence. And then there is the motivation. I think I’m basically a supremely lazy person. Never did I have trouble with motivation with a house full of children. There was always something to do and I had no difficulty in getting it done. Now, though my to-do list is ever growing, if I didn’t need to get up to eat or go to the bathroom, some days I’d much rather stay tucked away in my bed. Pretty disgraceful, I know.
Things are looking up, though. I have lots to do this month with several trips just around the corner. Some of my children are making the trip to Saskatoon with me this month to listen to Jordan Peterson give a talk on his latest book, “12 Rules for Life”. I have barely begun this book, but I sure have heard a lot of conflicting opinions about this man. My curiosity is piqued.
After that, I will be driving to Grand Forks, B.C. for a wedding. I’m really looking forward to that drive. I won’t be driving my motorhome as it is in the shop for repairs, but Nerah will be coming with me. I’m sure she will enjoy getting out of our tiny apartment. And, then there is the BIG trip at the end of the month to Costa Rica. I think, more than anything, I will enjoy spending time with another human, my brother, who is joining me from Scotland.
I’m still struggling with meditation. I’m not able to focus. My mind just doesn’t stop. But I keep doing it in the hope that eventually I’ll get the hang of it. My eyes leak every time, but I think that’s a good thing. If that’s the way my anguish exits my body, then keep on leaking.
I can’t say that I’m feeling a whole lot better physically from this diet change, but I have lost some weight. Only 12 more days to go! The idea is that after 30 days I won’t want to go back to eating sugar or French fries. I don’t see that happening, but I have learned a lot of new recipes that I enjoy. This is a sugar-free, gluten-free diet. I have made it dairy-free as well, and, of course, meat-free. I’m probably going to eat a chocolate bar when I’m done! That’s what I usually do when I come to the end of a fast or cleanse. And then I’ll have a glass of wine to toast my success. But I will try to keep eating healthy at 2-3 hour intervals instead of starving myself all day and bingeing at night. It seems to work for weight loss and keeping cravings at bay. I don’t miss any of the things I usually eat or drink, not even English tea. I just know I would still like to eat some fun things, like Skor bars and kettle chips, toast and ginger marmalade, bran muffins, sorbet, Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles, caramel corn………I better stop that now!
I took my little boy, Keaton, to Fish Creek Park this week. We really have a lot to be grateful for, living in Calgary. While I’m not crazy about living in such a large city, there are so many lovely parks to visit and spend the day in. A person can lose themselves in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, right in the centre of the city. (Just had to run and get myself a little snack, hummus and veggies. All that food talk got my gastric juices flowing.) One day this week, to my amazement, I spotted a shepherd on his/her mount, herding some goats, just off Deerfoot Trail, one of the busiest highways through our fair city. I had to stop and snap a few pictures. While I was stopped, there before me were two deer. It is at times like these that my heart takes flight. (Unfortunately, I have misplaced the SD card with the pictures on it.)
Most of my family came over last weekend for a little get-together because my youngest, Hannah, is off to the coast with her boyfriend. They are both continuing their studies at UVic (University of Victoria). I’m going to miss them. My daughter, Bethany, lives out there with her husband, who is also attending UVic in the fall. It was nice to have everyone over, but a little cramped in my wee apartment.
I had an appointment this week to have my legs sugared at SugarMe Body Sugaring. I haven’t had that done since I left last year, but decided to go for it. The practitioner/owner, Heather, is a wonderful lady. Although she has more business than she needs, I would highly recommend her for all your body sugaring needs. Anyway, being somewhat starved for conversation, I managed to share a good deal of my journey in the time I was there. That lady should be a therapist. She analyzed my dilemma and sent me on my way, encouraged and feeling so much better about myself. Though I have never held much stock in others’ opinions of me, (if I don’t feel it myself, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else says) I felt valued because she actually offered to train me to work for her. I had to think there must be something about me she found worthy of investing in. Maybe I should have paid her the $160 an hour rate that therapists typically charge here in Calgary! She definitely earned it.
Which brings me to something else, self-worth in connection with who I am as opposed to what I do. But I will leave that for another day. No tranquility yet, but I am hopeful. Floating down the Bow River on a raft today with my bestie should conjure up some.