I have just been pondering why on earth I would miss the one person who so completely dismissed my life as irrelevant. Isn’t that strange? I do understand that he had no idea that he was doing this for many, many years. And I also understand that, by staying in that situation, I was enabling his behaviour. I’m not sure what I could have done to change things once I had the scales removed from my eyes because, at that point, I had several children to care for. I did tell him how he made me feel, once I was aware of the problem myself, but by that time it appears too much damage had been done. I have to own my part in this, though. We were both messed up kids following blindly along behind folks we believed had “the truth”. Why I came out of the delusion years before Greg will forever remain a mystery.
But why do I miss him so? Why do I feel incomplete without him? Why would I give anything to have him back with me? It makes no sense. I should be rejoicing in my freedom instead of languishing in the mire. I am reading a book right now that my daughter, Bethany, gave me on the weekend to pass on to her brother. He will have to wait. It is called “Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past”, and is precisely the kind of book I can really sink my teeth into.
You know how you feel when you sense you have struck gold? Well, my spidey senses are all tingling. I’m on to something here. This may even help me overcome my fear of relationships in the future. I’m so terribly sad that my children didn’t have the benefit of watching their parents live together, overcoming difficulties in their own lives, setting an example for them as they grew into adults searching for a life partner. While I know that no marriage is without troubles, some are most definitely healthier than others.
It may sound crazy that someone who is so scarred from the past is considering a future in psychology or social work, but I have never thought so. From my teenage years on, I have been fascinated with the variations of human lives and how events or circumstances affect people differently. I read Dostoyevsky’s “Crime and Punishment” and “The Brothers Karamazov” in my late teens and early twenties. It was a time of immense turmoil for me, having left behind my miserable home life with no direction, no education, no friends, nothing. And yet, I was devouring the classics like a starved dog. It mattered not that I was living with the dregs of society, (being one myself) innocently making one mistake after another. I had broken out of prison having no life skills aside from being able to clean a house from top to bottom, but, unlike Cinderella, I did not meet my knight in shining armour who would carry me away on his trusty steed. Or maybe I did. Nobody has written about her life after she wed her prince. Maybe it didn’t turn out well.
I have always considered my mistakes to be vehicles whereby others can learn to avoid some of the pitfalls of living. Look at my life and don’t do any of the things I have done! But, no, my children have been my salvation. If you are up for the challenge, have children. They are such a blessing and an education. Had it not been for them, I’m not sure I would have made it this far. They gave me purpose. And they all have turned out so well. To be sure, they have lots of living and loving and troubles ahead, but they are decent human beings, no thanks to their parents.
I am presently sitting in the lounge at LAX (Los Angeles International Airport) awaiting my flight to San José, Costa Rica. My spirits are lifting, and not solely because I am on my way to a fantastically beautiful Central American country, though that does have something to do with it. I have been exploring furthering my education and they didn’t laugh me out of the University of Calgary campus on Wednesday. Should I pursue this course of action, it won’t be easy. I have to upgrade first of all. I left home before I completed high school.
*Note to anyone who is thinking of dropping out of high school……Don’t! You will probably regret it at some point in your life.
I have to go back to high school. I’m okay with that. The problem is, up until this year, the only prerequisite for psychology for a mature student was English 30-1. This year, lucky me, that has changed to include Math 30-1 or Math 30-2. While I’m not afraid of English, I doubt Math will be doable for me. Things have changed drastically since 1973. So I will have to settle on a different major. I’m sad about that because psychology is such a great fit for me. Why do I need math for psychology? Arggghh!
Anyway, I’m feeling very positive about this decision. I will continue to do research until I’m satisfied with a definite path. After a season in the desert, my thirst is being quenched. The water of life is falling on my head, trickling down my body and nourishing my roots. I haven’t had such a sense of clarity in a very long while. This won’t help me in the immediate future and, at my age, that’s not a good thing, but I either have to go back to school or settle on spending the rest of my life working my fingers to the bone for little pay and no gratification. Still, nothing is guaranteed. I have to be accepted into university, but I believe I can do this. I have to set this down in black and white. That way I will hold myself accountable for my words.
As I stated earlier, this book, “Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past”, is mind-blowing for me. There have been few times in my life when I have felt so completely at home. This is one of those times. This is why I should be majoring in psychology. It is almost second nature to me. Thank-you, thank-you, Bethany, for putting this book into my hands. God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform. Why, I ask myself, do I take so long to find direction? I have to trust that every step is not a misstep and that there is a reason for it all. Instead of grovelling in the dirt I need to understand that everything in life has a purpose. These last five years have been a test for me. Am I going to whine and cry like a spoilt child or am I going to pick myself up and get on with living? It is time.
I will continue to soul search. That will forever be a part of who I am, but I can move on to making better use of my life. If I can focus on moving forward for the betterment of myself and others I trust I will fulfil God’s design for my life.
My next post will be from Costa Rica.
Continue to keep those living in wildfires areas in British Columbia in your thoughts and prayers.