I had a moment this past week as I was in my tiny kitchen making energy bites for my trip to Saskatoon. I became aware of such a peace and contentment I have not known since Greg died. It was then that the realization of what I had lost when Greg walked out that door hit me. Yes, I had lost my husband, though that had taken place, emotionally, many years prior. In this particular instance, I felt safe, and that was what has been missing from my life for the past five years. I’m sure my sense of well-being had something to do with a sleep-aid I had taken. Nevertheless, fleeting as it was, I realized my safety had been stolen from me. Even in a dysfunctional home, the members have roles to fulfil. My role was to raise our children and Greg’s role had been to keep me safe. That may sound simplistic, but it is, in fact, true. He left me in an extremely vulnerable position, ill-equipped to support myself, the family and the business. I did try, but those shoes did not fit me, nor did I have any available that did. And so I have spent a whole lot of time and money trying to find my way, only to discover that I am no farther ahead in establishing a way to survive than I was the day he died.
And, so, I am going to attempt to go back to school. I’m sick of being lost, drifting around, filled with anxiety. My plan won’t help me in the immediate future, but neither will what I am doing right now. I love my little Keaton, but I can’t live on the wage I am making, nor can I take on more hours with him or any other child due to CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any, though I do believe this is my best bet for longterm employment at my age. I’m hoping to go for psychology because I have always had an interest in that particular field of learning and my advanced age will only appear as wisdom,( at least that is my hope). I will be speaking to an advisor at the University of Calgary this week. I am soliciting your prayers and/or positive energy.
And, with that decision, I will at long last lay down my heavy burden from the past and move on into a new, productive, purposeful life.
Several of my children and I attended Jordan Peterson’s talk in Saskatoon on Wednesday. Was it worth the drive and the expense? It was, but only because I got to spend time with my children and had the opportunity to visit Greg’s parents and one of his brothers, who live in Saskatoon. I was hoping for a more in-depth talk than what Jordan Peterson gave. He spoke for two hours, yet it seemed more like half an hour to me. I still enjoyed the lecture and highly recommend Mr Peterson’s book, “12 Rules For Life”. I’m just a very demanding audience. Jordan Peterson is an incredibly intelligent person with a great deal of valuable information to share. His rules for life form a foundation on which anyone is able to build a reasonably stable and productive life. Of course, nobody can take a set of rules and guarantee themselves smooth sailing, but there are fundamental truths by which we can live and avoid unnecessary pain. The premises set forth in the book, “12 Rules For Life”, resonated with me as core beliefs equal to my own. As Jordan stated in his lecture, most of us are not able to articulate these principles but will identify with them when someone else does. I intend exploring further this man’s doctrines as I am interested in his philosophy and am intrigued by the man himself. It is indeed a wonderful thing when you discover someone who appears to have the same ideology as yourself.
Last evening I attended a fundraiser at The Alice Sanctuary. This was my first visit to the sanctuary, though I had heard a lot about it. The animals at this sanctuary are farm animals who have been abused, neglected or abandoned. I thoroughly enjoyed visiting the animals and talking to them. I think my favourite was a calf named Ellis who was born with a harelip and cleft palate. He was really sweet.
These animals have the privilege of living out their lives in peace and safety, enjoying the love and attention of staff and volunteers. During the summer months, the sanctuary offers tours and reading or yoga with the residents. In this world where the majority of farm animals are treated as merchandise, it is heartening to see these loving social beings living in harmony with their humans.
Musical entertainment was supplied by Lisette Xavier, Summer Fallow and Clint Baker and the Baker Boys. Dinner consisted of vegan pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw. Baked From The Heart provided their delectable mini cupcakes and sandwich cookies. Coffee was provided by Rosso Coffee Roasters while Village Brewery supplied beer for a donation. The evening was fairly cool, but I’m glad I stayed until the end. The Baker Boys wound up the evening with foot tapping, hand clapping Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”.
The 30 day dietary and lifestyle change I have been participating in did allow me to “release” 6 lbs. That happened within the first week. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t drop any more weight, but overall it was a positive experience. I am still eating every two to three hours and am attempting to keep those meals in the healthy whole foods category. I broke my clean eating during the drive to Saskatoon when I gave in to my lust for a Tim Horton’s honey cruller, followed by a shandy with dinner and a white wine at the lecture. And, as if that wasn’t enough, I then shared a plate of the most delicious french fries at the pub after the talk. Yes, I did pay for that extreme lapse in judgement through the night when my body violently rejected everything I had put in it over the previous ten hours. I don’t normally lose control so completely after a cleanse, but the alcohol definitely played a part in my throwing caution to the wind. I really should know better. I actually do know better. I will try to behave myself at the wedding I will be attending this weekend in Grand Forks, B.C.